Am I a bad manager for thinking it’s an excuse?

Dear emma: your neuroinclusion agony aunt (Issue #001)

Question: One of my team told me last month that they have ADHD. Since then, every missed deadline comes with "that's my ADHD". I want to be supportive, but part of me wonders whether it's become a get-out clause. I'd never say that in a meeting. Am I a bad manager for even thinking it?

- Wondering manager

Dear Wondering,

I don't think you're a bad manager. I think you're a very normal human.

It's frustrating. It can feel as if you're no longer able to hold someone accountable for their performance, and as if questioning anything means you've got a legal case on your hands. So the thought stays private, and becomes a source of mounting irritation and private WhatsApps ranting to peers. I get it.

So let me ask you a different question. Rather than “is it an excuse?", do you believe them in their challenge?

Because if we step away from labels and look at needs, what your team member is communicating is that they are struggling, but doesn't think they can resolve it. What you're hearing is an answer for why things aren't getting done, with no solution coming from them.

The bridge in the middle is an unmet need: an understanding of why their ADHD is making this hard, and what would make it easier.

Now, I wish it were as simple as asking someone what that need is. But most people get a diagnosis without any support to navigate it, and are expected to figure it out with the help of social media and a love of rabbit holes.

So it makes sense they are going to feel defensive, when they feel a bit helpless. And for you, it feels like an excuse because “that’s my ADHD” is being communicated as a complete sentence. Your job isn't to challenge the sentence, it's to help finish it.

The puzzle to solve is the unmet need, not the person. The shift is from the belief "they can't" to "they can, and this is what they need".

And this isn't just my view: the UK government's Expert Panel on Neurodiversity recommended that workplace support be based on need rather than diagnosis. So it's worth building this into how you manage now, not waiting for a policy to tell you to.

Step one: believe them

Most people want to feel proud of themselves, so if someone is saying this is hard, it probably is. Yes, a few people may try to play the system, but let's assume your colleague is one of the vast majority who are trying.

Step two: find the need together

You're a team working on a problem, not two people pushing for a solo victory. Work out together what exactly is making it hard. For example: forgetting what's on their plate, starting too late because it’s overwhelming or boring, or getting distracted by that other project they said yes to. With that what might they need to make it easier? Brainstorm, ask, get curious, experiment.

Step three: agree don’t expect

We often work on expectations: assumptions about how another person is going to show up, behave or perform. An expectation sits in one persons head, an agreement needs both. Once you've explored needs together, agree on something to experiment with, and hold each other accountable: "You said you'd try this to help you with X. How's it going?" Either they tried, they didn't or they found it hard. If it didn’t stick, stay curious about why.

This is unlikely to be done and dusted on the first experiment. And they are still hired to do a job. Believing someone doesn't mean you stop having agreements about the work.

Warmly bridging the gap

Emma

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